This is the question that a friend who I’ll call “Big D” asked me recently at the Aikido dojo where we both practice. Big D knows that I’m a relationship coach and I work with both men and women to help them create more passion and love in their relationships and lives, so his question wasn’t totally out of line or as strange as it might have seemed to someone passing by.
He explained to me, “Otto, I need a woman and I’m having no luck!” According to Big D, he can’t find a woman anywhere and he thinks that the reason why is because he doesn’t drink, go to bars, isn’t into the club scene and doesn’t hang out with a lot of single friends.
He repeated his question and asked me where he should go to look for a woman. It was almost as if he was shopping for a boat or a new car.
Unfortunately, Big D didn’t like the answer I gave him about his situation. I told him that the problem here isn’t the place where available women hang out or even the fact that he’s not a partier. The reason why he’s having such a tough time finding a partner is all about something going on within him.
Of course, nobody– especially us guys– likes being told that if a situation isn’t going the way we want it to, it’s because of something we’re doing. The tendency is to look outside at other people and conditions for the reason why.
If you have this habit, know that it’s normal AND that it’s not going to get you any closer to a solution and to having what it is you want. If, like my friend Big D, you’re frustrated because you’ve looked and looked and can’t find a woman who is right for you, stop looking outside yourself and start looking within.
Shift out of blame mode.
Anytime you are in an unwanted situation and searching for someone, anything to blame, you’re dumping your energy into the wrong thing. When you do this, you’re only going to move yourself further away from what it is you want– a woman who is right for you– and you’ll exhaust yourself in the process.
Make a conscious shift OUT of blame mode. Don’t even blame or beat up on yourself. That’s not going to help you attract love either! Re-focus on what you want and what you can do to get it. It’s really as simple as that.
Discover your blocks.
If none of this seems simple at all and you feel clueless about how to attract a partner, concentrate on figuring out what’s standing in your way. Again, this isn’t about the people or external things that seem to be blocking love, it’s about the blocks that are within you.
Without putting yourself down, recognize the habits you have that prevent you from being the best you can be when you’re out socially or around a woman whom you are attracted to. What are the self-defeating thoughts you have? How do you usually choose to spend your time? How do you walk into a room? What are the words you use to describe yourself to another person and what are your listening habits?
Notice the things you think, say and do that keep you unhappy and alone and try experimenting with some different ways to be. I’m not talking about a complete personality or lifestyle overhaul here. Find out what feels doable and genuine and try that change on for awhile. See how it feels and notice what happens. If you like the results, keep doing it.
Make a shift within you and watch your love life and world change!