First of all, you can rebuild trust after it’s been broken–and there are certain things that you’re going to want to do that will help you build it back. In fact, there are 4 variables that might either extend or shorten the amount of time it takes to rebuild trust…
1. The severity of the event that caused the mistrust. Being caught cheating with someone else usually causes a deeper level of mistrust than forgetting an anniversary.
2. How often the event that caused mistrust happened and how deep the connection is with the other person. If you’re repeatedly unfaithful (or frequently lie) and you want “one more chance,” chances are building trust will be a very long and difficult process–if it can be built again at all.
3. How deep of an emotional connection there is with the other person that is missing from the relationship with your partner. It’s a much bigger deal to regain trust if you fell in love with the other person and maybe fell “out of love” or at least “out of lust” with your wife.
4. How open and committed both you and your partner are to healing the issues that allowed the cheating to happen and your commitment to rebuilding trust.
The key in building trust is not how LONG but rather WHAT you do with that time. It’s how trustable you can become–as well as how open your partner is to trusting again.
You have to be willing to become trustable if you’re the one who broke trust. And your partner has to know what it would take for her to trust you again–the more specific the better. This usually takes some looking inward to discover that for yourself and herself.
You both have to buy into the process of building trust together but there’s a fine line you both have to walk. That “fine line” is not making guilt and blame the major dynamic between the two of you while still honoring both of your needs–and seeing movement toward trust.
If your partner unwillingly keeps you on a tight leash and “makes you pay” in every moment, there’s probably not much hope for the relationship unless you just like being beat up.
If you’ve cheated and want to regain trust, you have to want to prove in every moment how you’ve changed and how you are now trustable–and do it in specific ways that your partner has told you.
Guilt, blame and empty promises won’t create a relationship filled with trust, closeness and connection. True desire, commitment and follow-through will. If trust is to be rebuilt–it’s how both of you deal with the situation.
Oh, and one more thing…
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