If you’re a man AND you’re still “alive,” you love the sight of a gorgeous woman. You do. I do. All of us men do. Nothing too complicated or new info here so far–We’re guys, after all.

It’s actually been proven that men are more visually stimulated sexually and otherwise than women. This is interesting and an important question that comes up a lot when I work with men in my Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work is…

What do you do if you’re in a relationship with a woman who used to really be a “knock out” and now she’s let herself go? In other words, what do you do when you’re still in love with this woman but you’re NOT as turned on by her anymore as you used to be?

These are great questions and go right along with another question that’s just as good that I got in my email in-box a few days ago…

Question From A Reader:

“My wife needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds and this really, really bothers me. She seems not to care. She knows that I want her to lose weight, but she does nothing. Any suggestions?” B

My Response…

Hey Man–

First of all, thanks for the email. I feel your frustration coming through in your question and If there’s one thing that’s true about us guys, it’s that we men are definitely visually stimulated creatures and that can make it tough to be turned on by a woman (no matter how much you love her or are committed to her) if she’s let herself go like you describe.

That being said, there’s so much more to this than you might think…

I’ve got some ideas, suggestions and new ways of looking at this situation that will hopefully help you renew your passion for her and help you create more intimacy if that’s what you want.

As I read your comments and question, I can’t help but wonder a few things…

~ What is your relationship like, other than the fact that you think she should lose 40 or 50 pounds?

~ Do you really want her to lose 40 or 50 pounds OR is it something more you want from her?

When it comes to your woman, what I’m imagining you really want from her is the same thing almost all of us guys want from a woman. Almost every man I’ve ever known wants to be with a radiant, loving woman who oozes sensuality and sexuality and turns us on and makes us feel incredible and totally inspired just by being with them. And a woman’s weight isn’t the only thing that determines whether she’s sexy, sensual, radiant and able to turn us on or not.

To take this thought one step deeper…When it comes to women, issues like weight, her hair color, color of her eyes, how big her breasts are, whether she wears make-up or not and other physical features and components are ALL subjective.

Every man you’ll ever talk to has a different idea about what he considers to be “attractive” in a woman. While physical appearance is certainly a big factor in attraction with our women, the most important thing, in my opinion, is how radiant, sexy and sensual she is and we men can have a lot do with that.

If you’re with a woman and you want her to lose weight but she does nothing and isn’t interested in changing, then you ONLY have three options…

1. You can keep resenting her

2. You can change wives

OR

3. You can change your thinking about your woman

If you keep on resenting her for not losing weight, you risk killing your relationship. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, then leaving her probably isn’t the best solution (especially if you really do love her).

So that leaves changing your thoughts and focusing about her weight and this situation. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:

~ Focus on what you love, like and appreciate about her instead of what you are repulsed by.

It’s been said that what the mind focuses on expands. So, if you are totally fixated on the fact that she “needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds” and you keep your mind focused on that, it will only do two things and neither of them are good.

The first negative thing it will do if you’re focused intensely on her weight is it will make her withdraw and distance herself from you. She may not even do this consciously but energetically she can feel your disapproval of her. When she feels this disapproval from you (no matter how big of a deal you’ve made it), it’s incredibly difficult (if not impossible) for a woman to not only be open and radiant but it’s also incredibly difficult for her to give herself to her man completely if she feels that he doesn’t really want to be with her, he is really upset about some aspect of her or embarrassed by her.

You, like all of us men, love the physicality and beauty of women and my suggestion here is for you to find a way to find things about her that either do turn you on or could turn you on and focus on those things. Please understand that I’m not asking you to put blinders on and pretend your woman looks different than she does.

This isn’t the case at all.

What I’m simply encouraging you to do is to change what you’ve focused your attention on about her. Consciously look for ANY aspect of her that you do find attractive or do think is sexy and focus on that.

When I mentioned this subject to my friend Shane a couple of days ago, he told me a quick story about how he handled a situation similar to yours. Shane told me about how he remembered that right after his wife had given birth to their son, she still had quite a bit of fat on her body.

Instead of focusing on the weight that was still there from her carrying their baby, he said what he chose to focus on was “how sexy her back was.” In other words, what he consciously did was to take his mind off the places on her body that didn’t turn him on and focus on the parts of her that were a turn on for him. It worked for him.

I think it can work for you too as long as there aren’t other deep issues between the two of you that are causing you to want to move away from each other instead of closer together.

What I like to do with Susie (my woman) is to find a particular curve on her body and look at it and let my mind and my body be turned on by that curve. It might be that I choose to look at a curve of hers that’s totally different from the one I chose to fixate on this morning or last night or last week. But what I try to do is always be looking for what turns me on instead of what doesn’t.

I can’t know what’s right for you and your relationship but this is a very simple idea that can open her and change your relationship for the better forever. It has mine.

I don’t care how beautiful a woman is, if you choose to look for it, there is always something you can find about her that’s UGLY or unattractive. Just the same as the beautiful woman, there’s ALWAYS something about your woman you can find exciting and a turn on but you MUST look for it.

When you find it, that’s what you spend your time focusing on. When you do that, you might even be surprised by some changes she makes when you love her in this new way.

Oh, and one more thing…

If you want to tap into my latest insights and advice for men to help you light up your woman, be sure and sign up for my “Light Her Up” newsletter in the form below…

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Recently, I sent out a newsletter article about the importance of “ditching competition” with your woman. I said “There’s no room in a committed relationship or marriage with your woman for competition with her about anything.”

I went on to say that the spark will not be there between the two of you and the sex won’t be as good or as frequent (if at all) if you compete with her about ANYTHING.

It’s a pretty strong statement, I know, but it also begs the question what if the shoe is on the other foot so to speak? What if you’re NOT the competitive one but it’s your woman? What should a man do then if he wants to light up his woman and get more love, passion and sex from her and SHE’S the competitive one?

Question from a reader…

“Hi Otto– Great article from you about NOT being competitive with your woman. It makes sense and is true. One question though–What if your lady is the competitive one? What if her competition and put downs drive away your desire? And when you try to bring it up to her, she says it is your ego and asks why are men that way? How would you respond to that? Thanks” J

My Response…

Hey J–

First of all let me say that I can really relate to what you’re asking and what you’re going through. I’ve had to deal with similar situations in my previous relationships and just like you say, it can really suck the life of out your relationship and make your desire for her vanish.

I love the fact that you’re willing to ask a question like this. This tells me that you really are somebody who wants to know how to light up his woman and is willing to try to figure some things out in order to have the kind of relationship he wants and that’s the good news and something you should congratulate yourself for.

The not so good news is that from what I can gather from your question, there are some dynamics in your relationship that you’re going to want to shift if you are going to have any hope of truly creating what you want with her.

First of all– my advice that you “ditch competition” in order create a great relationship doesn’t just apply to us men. It also applies to your woman (and ALL women) as well. You see it really doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman–if you want to have a relationship that’s truly alive, filled with juice and passion and desire, you “ditch competition.” Period.

I certainly can’t know everything about you and the dynamics of your relationship with your woman from one question and a few sentences but based on what you said, here’s how I would respond to her “challenges” and that’s what I would call what she said.

A challenge.

In fact, the way you describe the way she’s acting toward you, it’s almost like the way another man would challenge another man. She’s just using slightly different and perhaps a little less colorful language than what a man would say to another man who’s “calling out another man.”

You say that your lady is the competitive one. You’re also saying that her competition and put downs are driving away your desire and when you try to bring it up to her, she says it is your ego and asks why are men that way.

The first thing I want to say to you is that if she’s the competitive one and she’s “putting you down,” this HAS to stop. You can’t get the desire, passion and intimacy back if you’re feeling attacked, unappreciated and challenged by her.

The truth is I used to be just like you in some ways. There was a time in my life when I would allow myself to be “put down” and there was a point where I said to myself that I would never allow that to happen ever again especially by someone who claims to love me.

So, now I don’t allow anyone to put me down.

My friend, if your woman and her actions are driving your desire and intimacy away and you want to turn that around, you have to (using plain language here) grow some bigger testicles, set some boundaries you are willing to enforce and tell your woman something like…

“I totally love you AND I want us to treat each other with kindness and love and when you say things like this, it doesn’t feel very kind to me.”

This phrase… “I totally love you and __________” comes straight out of our “Magic Relationship Words” program. When you use this phrase and fill in the blank by saying what else you need to say without her wondering whether you still love her or not, you’re being clear about that AND you’re also being clear about what else you want to say to her too.

When she suggests to you that this is ALL about your ego, in a way, she’s right. Call it ego or anything else you want, the truth is that YES, you do want to feel important to her and you don’t want to be put down by her and that’s OK.

Again, if you love someone and you want them to feel it, you don’t put them down EVER. You’ve got to let her know that you love her, you don’t like what she’s doing and you’re not going to put up with it. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to rush out and say to her that I said if she doesn’t change that you should split up.

That’s not what I’m saying here… I’m saying it’s a process. You and your relationship dynamics didn’t get this way overnight and it’s probably going to take much more than a few minutes and one conversation to start making some major shifts here. But in order to have the kind of relationship you want, you have to start.

I spent 15 years and most of my first marriage “talking on eggshells” and trying to “just be nice” and I can tell you from personal experience that as a strategy for love, it doesn’t work. When you “stop talking on eggshells,” it means that you consciously decide to start saying what is real and true for you without compromise and you say it with full integrity of who you are and what you want.

Identifying what you want and stepping up to claim it isn’t always easy but the rewards are incredible. This is exactly how I have the relationship I have now– because I claim what I want in a loving, heart-centered way as much of the time as possible.

Oh, and one more thing…

If you want to tap into my latest insights and advice for men to help you light up your woman, be sure and sign up for my “Light Her Up” newsletter in the form below…

Subscribe now and enjoy FREE:

• Unlimited access to latest articles & content
• Exclusive emailed discounts & bonuses
• FREE Relationship Tips newsletter with in-depth advice
• Report: 10 Biggest Relationship and Passion killing
  Mistakes Men Make…

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