Relationship Tips and Advice for Men Who Want a Happy Marriage, love and intimacy

Recently, I sent out a newsletter article about the importance of “ditching competition” with your woman. I said “There’s no room in a committed relationship or marriage with your woman for competition with her about anything.”

I went on to say that the spark will not be there between the two of you and the sex won’t be as good or as frequent (if at all) if you compete with her about ANYTHING.

It’s a pretty strong statement, I know, but it also begs the question what if the shoe is on the other foot so to speak? What if you’re NOT the competitive one but it’s your woman? What should a man do then if he wants to light up his woman and get more love, passion and sex from her and SHE’S the competitive one?

Question from a reader…

“Hi Otto– Great article from you about NOT being competitive with your woman. It makes sense and is true. One question though–What if your lady is the competitive one? What if her competition and put downs drive away your desire? And when you try to bring it up to her, she says it is your ego and asks why are men that way? How would you respond to that? Thanks” J

My Response…

Hey J–

First of all let me say that I can really relate to what you’re asking and what you’re going through. I’ve had to deal with similar situations in my previous relationships and just like you say, it can really suck the life of out your relationship and make your desire for her vanish.

I love the fact that you’re willing to ask a question like this. This tells me that you really are somebody who wants to know how to light up his woman and is willing to try to figure some things out in order to have the kind of relationship he wants and that’s the good news and something you should congratulate yourself for.

The not so good news is that from what I can gather from your question, there are some dynamics in your relationship that you’re going to want to shift if you are going to have any hope of truly creating what you want with her.

First of all– my advice that you “ditch competition” in order create a great relationship doesn’t just apply to us men. It also applies to your woman (and ALL women) as well. You see it really doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman–if you want to have a relationship that’s truly alive, filled with juice and passion and desire, you “ditch competition.” Period.

I certainly can’t know everything about you and the dynamics of your relationship with your woman from one question and a few sentences but based on what you said, here’s how I would respond to her “challenges” and that’s what I would call what she said.

A challenge.

In fact, the way you describe the way she’s acting toward you, it’s almost like the way another man would challenge another man. She’s just using slightly different and perhaps a little less colorful language than what a man would say to another man who’s “calling out another man.”

You say that your lady is the competitive one. You’re also saying that her competition and put downs are driving away your desire and when you try to bring it up to her, she says it is your ego and asks why are men that way.

The first thing I want to say to you is that if she’s the competitive one and she’s “putting you down,” this HAS to stop. You can’t get the desire, passion and intimacy back if you’re feeling attacked, unappreciated and challenged by her.

The truth is I used to be just like you in some ways. There was a time in my life when I would allow myself to be “put down” and there was a point where I said to myself that I would never allow that to happen ever again especially by someone who claims to love me.

So, now I don’t allow anyone to put me down.

My friend, if your woman and her actions are driving your desire and intimacy away and you want to turn that around, you have to (using plain language here) grow some bigger testicles, set some boundaries you are willing to enforce and tell your woman something like…

“I totally love you AND I want us to treat each other with kindness and love and when you say things like this, it doesn’t feel very kind to me.”

This phrase… “I totally love you and __________” comes straight out of our “Magic Relationship Words” program. When you use this phrase and fill in the blank by saying what else you need to say without her wondering whether you still love her or not, you’re being clear about that AND you’re also being clear about what else you want to say to her too.

When she suggests to you that this is ALL about your ego, in a way, she’s right. Call it ego or anything else you want, the truth is that YES, you do want to feel important to her and you don’t want to be put down by her and that’s OK.

Again, if you love someone and you want them to feel it, you don’t put them down EVER. You’ve got to let her know that you love her, you don’t like what she’s doing and you’re not going to put up with it. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to rush out and say to her that I said if she doesn’t change that you should split up.

That’s not what I’m saying here… I’m saying it’s a process. You and your relationship dynamics didn’t get this way overnight and it’s probably going to take much more than a few minutes and one conversation to start making some major shifts here. But in order to have the kind of relationship you want, you have to start.

I spent 15 years and most of my first marriage “talking on eggshells” and trying to “just be nice” and I can tell you from personal experience that as a strategy for love, it doesn’t work. When you “stop talking on eggshells,” it means that you consciously decide to start saying what is real and true for you without compromise and you say it with full integrity of who you are and what you want.

Identifying what you want and stepping up to claim it isn’t always easy but the rewards are incredible. This is exactly how I have the relationship I have now– because I claim what I want in a loving, heart-centered way as much of the time as possible.

Oh, and one more thing…

If you want to tap into my latest insights and advice for men to help you light up your woman, be sure and sign up for my “Light Her Up” newsletter in the form below…

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